18 Crazy and Ridiculous Petty Marriage Arguments You'll Love

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It's rare to open my Instagram feed without being bombarded by dozens of memes focused on the humorous side of parenting, or the difficulties of staying married happily ever after--especially when chores are involved. Of course, part of this simply comes down to the fellow bloggers and writers I follow and connect with online.

The other day The Beau and I were headed to a marriage "coaching" session. It's called marriage coaching for those not in serious trouble, but looking for a little check-up--as explained by our therapist. Personally, I think it's marriage counseling, but the word "coaching" keeps her husband patients from freaking out.

I'm happy to say, we have loved our therapist and have found her to be most helpful and fair. Not that we had much to chat about, but sometimes those little pesky fights can quickly escalate and before you realize it, you have no idea what the fight is about. And I know people say that all the time, but it really is true. Especially when one of said party members is a hot head. #pleadingthefifth

Before our last session The Beau and I sat and asked each other--"What the hell do we need to talk about?" We seriously couldn't think of anything. I'm not complaining, as I take this as a good sign that we've pretty much worked out whatever it is we wanted or hoped or expected to work out.

I couldn't help laughing though, about all the tiny little fights I know are in our future and past. The little petty marriage arguments that cannot be solved with counseling, or a special date night, or a chore list. They're simply the little marriage fights that are all part of being married and trying to co-exist without drowning in the responsibilities of life.

Sorry, did that sound a little drab? It's Thursday and it's been one hectic and rough of a week. Who else is ready for the weekend?

So, without further ado, I give you my favorite list of our 18 petty marriage arguments that you'll love [or perhaps hate or totally judge]. How many of these look familiar to you? Any of them serve as jumping off fights for you and your spouse on much bigger issues? Have you found a way to not let these petty little arguments escalate, or perhaps have found a way to live with them? If so, I want to hear--especially if you have solutions!

Our mutual arguments:

  1. Who makes the morning coffee.

  2. Who cleans up the coffee at the end of the day.

  3. Who baths our daughter.

  4. Who knows the best spot to park the car--in any location, at any given time, during no particular but basically all outings where I am driving.

  5. Who holds the umbrella so that both parties are shielded from the rain. We have yet to come up with a proper solution that does not leave one of us soaked during a thunderstorm.

My arguments:

  1. Eating the rest of whatever I was eating--The Beau is alwaysstealing my food!

  2. Drinking all of my Kombucha--like seriously, he steals all of my treats!But the worst is he gulps it down within 5 minutes, practically defeating the purpose of splurging the $3.5 on each bottle.

  3. Untucking the sheets while we sleep so it gets all bunchy and then I can't relax.

  4. Eating all of the cheese sticks--which he steals from both me and our daughter, and then I have to whip up a snack from scratch for her school lunches. But really, do you not see the pattern?

  5. Leaving razor marks in the sink. This used to be an issue when we had a porcelain sink. If you have no idea what I'm talking about, consider yourself (and your porcelain sink) lucky!

  6. Never hanging up his coat.

His arguments:

  1. Serving the white parts of the watermelon. This is actually a funny story, but also rather long. No you know what, it's not a long story. I give him the rind sections of the watermelon. I mean, he's basically a human garbage disposal and then I can enjoy the good parts of the watermelon. Yes, I know I'm married and should consider him first. But we've been married 6 years--so I save the good parts of the watermelon for myself now!

  2. Leaving paper towels wads in the kitchen. What can I say, but sometimes I'm only wiping up water and I also am trying to save the trees simultaneously.

  3. Too many pillows on the bed.

  4. Always requesting he go to the basement to carry something up or take something to the basement or attic.

  5. Always needing something that requires him to get up, the minute after he sits down (#ihavegoodtiming).

  6. Never having enough snacks or needing to make everything from scratch (for the record, please see the first three of my complaints. This should answer any questions about his complaint here).

  7. I'm sure there are dozensif not dozens of dozen more complaints. But you get the gist!