I love Podcasts. I love Podcasts so much that I have an entire blog post dedicated to them - hint, you're reading it. But, I hate Podcasts. I hate Podcasts so much that I have not written in the last two, ok maybe three weeks, because of the stress of this post and the stress of not having listened to my Podcasts.
I hate to write this, because as you may or may not know the entire goal of Mommy Has Struggles IS a Podcast. Maybe not the goal, but ideally it will serve as 50% of its content.
But, I hate Podcasts.
But, I don't.
But, I do.
Podcasts represent everything I aspire to accomplish but cannot, because of the tiny human-being (i.e. my daughter) that has hijacked my total existence and led me to make weak decisions.
I cannot listen to Podcasts.
She starts to play DJ. I don't blame her. I have spent at least 30 of my 34 years playing DJ.
But, I have tasks to tackle - life-goals to achieve - personal conflicts to overcome - a to-do list of Podcast episodes that stalk my phone as if their pure existence is to do nothing short of embarrass me for the pure failure of simply pressing "play."
My life's ambition is to reverse 34 years of damage and disappointment. This is not a basic operation.
I am failing at life.
Ok I'm not, but I am if life were measured by one's ability to keep up with, converse, and enthusiastically share stories of podcast lessons.
And thus, this is my current struggle. Listen, I understand that in the grand-scheme of parenting-priorities, this has GOT to be at the extreme bottom list of ways to fail as a parent and human being. But, if you are an avid-Podcast listener then you understand the shame and embarrassment that comes from not only failing to keep up with each week's episode, but the overconfidence in over-subscribing to too many - the greed that comes from an over-abundance of available podcasts - the arrogance that comes from pretending you can keep up - and the utter-humiilitation in knowing you will NEVER catch up.
And so, on the week of our nation's Independence Day, I am not focused on Freedom or whatever else. I am focused on the torture, humiliation and shame that comes from failing to listen to a dumb podcast. If that doesn't symbolize freedom and my current first world problems, then I don't know what does.